On Expectations During the Unexpected

[Written on my phone while lying in bed, because reasons.]

I’m a very to-do list and goal-oriented person. I like crossing things off lists. I like checking boxes.

In mid-March, when everything locked down and I started working from home (which I am very blessed and thankful to be able to do), I made lots of plans. Things I would do with the extra time I gained by not having to be in my car running errands, commuting, etc. Some of them, I did. Some of them got put by the wayside as pandemic anxiety settled in and started to crush all my motivation and creativity.

In December 2019, I made a 2020 to-do list which I titled The Big List. It hss SCA projects, unfinished things, household goals, finanical milestones, etc. And I can easily divide it into thirds to make sure I’m on track as the year progresses.

I’m not on track.

The Big List, July 29, 2020. To be on track, I will need to fill in 10 more things before the end of August.

I could make a sub-list of 10 things to get done between now and the end of August so I can fill in that second third in the circle, but nothing bad will happen if I don’t. And in two weeks, my son starts first grade via remote learning. I’m still teleworking, but even though I agruably have more time, my creative energy is tapped. I’m lucky if I can finish a book, let alone find one that is capable of capturing my attention.

And it’s okay. I keep telling myself that it’s okay. This too shall pass, even if we have no idea when, or what the world will look like when it does.

The best I can do is tend to immediate needs – for myself and my family – and be kinder to myself as part of that.

And that means stop looking at this list. Or maybe making a new one with fewer items – like getting vigil and elevation fabric ironed and cut for sewing…

Hang in there, folks. It’ll be okay. We’ll get through this. Be kind. <3

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